It feels like there is always one more tragedy in the news. I find it hard to believe that people are telling me to just “be positive” or “it is what it is.” These sayings, while they may be good intentions, can cause harm to both the people they are directed at and to you. These phrases can lead to a dangerous mentality known as toxic positivity. Toxic positivity goes beyond general optimism. It is the act of encouraging a positive outlook and negating negative feelings.
It is important to avoid negative emotions such as anger, sadness, or frustration by using phrases like “look on a bright side” or “it could get worse”. These phrases encourage us to ignore our emotions, smile, and continue on. Positive affirmations and a positive outlook are not necessarily bad skills. It can be problematic if we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, and don’t allow for our emotions.
While the term is still relatively new, toxic positivity has been an increasing cultural phenomenon for quite a while. Social media is one example. This is where people post their “highlights”, as they call it. These include things such as engagements, graduations and vacations. Subconsciously, we often post about the good and create a profile that is curated for others. We don’t allow ourselves to feel the “bad” when we do this.
Many of us witnessed glimpses of or masks of toxic positivity as children. We were taught to “grine and bear it” or “everything happens because of a reason.” Although it might be a positive thing to hear, the truth is that we encourage positivity and devalue other valid emotions. What are the dangers of toxic positivity? A study by JJ Gross, RW Levensons found that suppressing emotions and feelings can have negative effects on your mental and physical health. Our brains and bodies experience an additional layer of stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and other health problems later.
As mentioned previously, toxic positivity can lead to dismissiveness and take away the space for complex emotions. There is a real chance that we won’t be able to deal with emotions like anger, fear, overwhelm, and hurt. Maladaptive coping strategies can be thought of as vices or bad habits, such as smoking or drinking, but they can also be subtler, like being emotional guarded or isolated.
Shame is another emotion that can replace suppressed emotions. If someone is repeatedly told that they shouldn’t feel sad because “other people have more trouble”, they may begin to internalize this. It could look like they feel guilty when they are sad, but remember that it isn’t all that bad. They will likely not notice that sadness has been replaced by shame over time. This can have a profound effect on self-esteem as well as relationships.
It can be difficult to overcome these negative mindsets, but it is not impossible. Recognizing where you are in this process is the first step. Are you able to minimize or brush off your difficult emotions? Do you find yourself telling others to just get over a difficult situation or encouraging you to talk it out and express your feelings? It can be difficult to reflect on your own behavior. However, if you find yourself expressing negative emotions or engaging in positive talk, you should take the initiative to call it out. Although it may seem absurd, if you find yourself saying things like “oh but it’s not so bad as it could” or “but it just happens” (which is quite common), then stop and remember that you are entitled to feel frustrated, angry, or upset. It may sound like this: “I’m feeling down today, I want to listen” or “This situation is really difficult and I need some time with it.” Although it is difficult to change your mindset, you can make a habit out of journaling, reflection, and even laughing. Therapy, journaling, and reflecting can all help to change your mindset. We should always value progress more than perfection. Be patient with yourself, and remember that it is okay to not be okay.
